Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Needs and desires

This is so true, I have come to realize that I am the one who NEEDS something done, not the kids. I am learning how to convey my needs so that it doesn't infringe on my children. For example: sometimes I need quiet, I need the mess picked up, I need to take a hot bath, sometimes I don't want to do anything for anybody...

Oh wait that would be now. I have been having some swirly hormones the past 2 days and now it's come to fruition and I am in PAIN and cranky and I need to sit in the tub and drink wine (Oh that's nothing new), pain management here, LOL!

We (I) need to differentiate between MY needs and the kids needs and figure out how to communicate effectively. Usually I just do everything without complaining but for a few days a month, I complain... damnit! Hey, I'm human and I'm working on getting over myself :)

I was short with my extra kids today too, well gee she just came in and made messes everywhere. My kids do it but they are MY kids, although I pretty much feel like these other ones are mine too. I feel so bad when I bitch, yikes... bitch, bitch, bitch... I'll be better in a day or two :)

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noellewww.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove::

Needs and Desires, Part 1 ::

Parents commonly say things like, "You need to put your toys away and get ready for bed."Such statements put kids in a double bind if they don't *feel* like complying.

Who should they believe, their parents or their own feelings? It's a loss either way."You NEED to" is really a euphemism for "you HAVE to." It's a way of cloaking coercion. If you don't intend to give your child a choice, be honest and state your command *as* a command:

"Put your toys away and get ready for bed." If that feels rude, maybe your feelings are trying to tell you something. :-)

You may realize that the real issue is *your* needs. That would be a step in the right direction, but don't stop there... A shift in focus from needs to
desires is the key that will unlock your creativity.

(Tomorrow: Part 2)http://dailygroove.net/needs-desires

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle"Inspiration & Coaching for Progressive Parents"http://www.ScottNoelle.comhttp://www.EnjoyParenting.com 1044 Water Street, Suite 342Port Townsend, WA 98368USATo unsubscribe or change subscriber options visit:http://www.aweber.com/z/r/?LIxMLOyctCyMbGwMzKxM


Schuyler said...

Oh dear, I am so good at taking out my frustration at a mess on the not my kid. I am working on not being frustrated by messes, but somehow when there is an extra child about, they just seem that much worse. When I was pregnant with my second child, Linnaea, I was really good at directing my frustration at the dog, poor thing. I've apologised, but he just looks at me with sad eyes and wags his tail.

Deanne said...

I thought Scott had bugged my kids bedroom the other night. I told them they "needed" to pick up their toys. *g*
My daughter is so good at setting me straight. She told me that they don't really "need" to, with emphasis on the "need". I wish I had my priorities as straight as she does. ;P

Grace Walker said...

I hear you!! Oh man, do I ever. When I read that Daily Groove yesterday, it hit me square between the eyes. I am learning SO much through these everyday and I found out about them from you. Thanks!

QavahYada said...

That is a very good thought...Even though I don't have kids, it's a good rule to remember with human beings and relationships in general!

Anonymous said...

AH, it's so comforting (why?) to know other poeple have scummy-mummy days. Josh (8) tells me, "You know Mum- the mess doens't need to be cleaned, because it doesn't bother me"...lol.

piscesgrrl said...

I love this stuff. I'm trying to work on this too. What started making it click for me was when my mom, after 30-some years of marriage to my dad who tended to do whatever he wanted while she pined away for him to be different (and I'm not talking about any of the bad/icky stuff, just extrovert/introvert conflicts), shared that she finally realized it was HER problem. Hmmm....

I've been working on my own language in this area. I remember once saying "Your room needs to be cleaned" and then immediately thinking "a room doesn't have needs."

Yay for Scott Noelle for explaining it so concisely, and yay for you bringing it back to the fore for me!

And you just reminded me of a story - I feel another blog post a'coming!