Parenting Peacefully

If you want to live peacefully make the most peaceful choices.

Peace is all about choices.

Choose to breathe consciously.
Choose understanding over ignorance.
Choose to make choices.
Choose awareness over oblivion.
Make choices based on the principles you live by.

~Sandra Dodd

Beautiful Winter Day

We went to the park today and had a great time. It was sunny and probably around 55 degrees. Here are my little explorers.

This is a creek that runs along the back of the park.

The kids had a blast in this truck.

There's Brennan.

This picture is blurry because the camera focused on the trees but I included it anyway.

Intense child

in·tense /ɪnˈtɛns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-tens] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1.
existing or occurring in a high or extreme degree: intense heat.
2.
acute, strong, or vehement, as sensations, feelings, or emotions: intense anger.
3.
of an extreme kind; very great, as in strength, keenness, severity, or the like: an intense gale.
4.
having a characteristic quality in a high degree: The intense sunlight was blinding.
5.
strenuous or earnest, as activity, exertion, diligence, or thought: an intense life.
6.
exhibiting a high degree of some quality or action.
7.
having or showing great strength, strong feeling, or tension, as a person, the face, or language.
8.
susceptible to strong emotion; emotional: an intense person.
9.
(of color) very deep: intense red.
10.
Photography. dense (def. 4).
[Origin: 1350–1400; ME < style="FONT-VARIANT: small-caps" href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=intent" minmax_bound="true">intent2, ptp. of intendere to intend. See in-2, tense1] —Related forms
in·tense·ly, adverb
in·tense·ness, noun
—Synonyms 2. fervent, passionate, ardent, strong.

Well that sums up Jared :)

He has always been intense, he is easily frustrated and he perceives things differently then we do. Lately it has been more so, I could come up with a few reasons like sickness, food dyes, he has been on a bubble gum kick, I only buy it once in awhile, I haven't been able to find bubble gum without red dye in it, we have found gum they like, Spry gum but I have to travel 30 minutes or order online. Another pet peeve of mine, getting natural, organic and homeopathic items is not convenient, we have to travel or buy online(whole different post).

Cassie has sensitivities to dyes, preservatives and HFCS, MSG,nitrates, and everything artificial so we usually don't buy the stuff, but on occasion I do. Anyway back to Jared...

I have attempted many a post to save in draft and then delete, I'm not sure how much to share, how it looks negative or what advice I want. I have posted on my yahoo group, Rad Christian Unschoolers, I read at Always Unschooled, I read Danielle and Ren's writing's, they have an intense boy also.

We stopped going to home ed meetings after he was 2- 2 1/2 because I spent the whole time in the hall, I stopped field trips because they were not Jared friendly. I figured it's just a short time, my kids will have lots of opportunities to see those things. It was not a sacfrifice, it was a choice, a choice to keep my whole family happy. We choose to go places where Jared can be himself, like the Zoo, The Gaylord Opry Mills Hotel in Nashville, some stores, the park, certain restaurants, we do take out more often than dine out. These are things we choose, we love him and we try to accomodate him the best we can.

Bear with me because I do not want to spout negatives about a boy I love so much but I need to let this out.

He is mean, he yells, he hits,he throws things, he demands...

Then he is also sweet, loving and kind and playful...

He is like two different children, I have not read the Explosive Child yet...

In case you haven't noticed I'm not big on letting it all out and asking for advice. I am more reserved, research, figure it out as I go kind of person. That works really well most of the time, sometimes I just need a been there done that here is what I found to be true. So if any of you have that to share, please do, I welcome your input. I feel like I'm at an impasse, I have tried many approaches with this little guy and I want to do what is right for him.

We talk when he is receptive, not when he is explosive. It is so odd that my other kids were nothing like this. I have mentioned before that he is Jason's prototype, we joke that the apple did not fall off it is still dangling. He is his father, they butt heads like crazy and I have known Jason since he was 18, I have seen a lot :)

At one of my friend's house (several months ago)he had an episode and it was really mild, trust me, but she basically said that he is not allowed to do that here. Ok, I do my best to ward off unpleasant situations but sometimes I can't stop them. We love these people but have not been back to their house for varying life reasons. The kids come here though to play and it's usually ok, although they have expressed some discontent if/when Jared loses it.

Another friend, who I have only known a few months, has witnessed Jared and it's a completely different reaction. Actually she remains calm and does not judge or react, she also parents more in line with me. I love both of these women and value their friendship but it can make things hairy when Jared is well being Jared.

I think I'll just stop here for now, thanks for reading, caring and any advice :)

Being calm

Lately I have been doing pretty darn well when my kids are being intense.

Cassie is going through some stage right now and is yelling in that high pitched voice that hurts my ears... I want _____now!!!!! Doesn't matter what it is.

Tonight at the grocery store was more difficult than usual. Kroger has these little kid carts and Jared's latest thing is pushing one. Now he is using it like a scooter, running around the store with it up on the back wheels, trying to put a foot on it. Usually he just does it a few times and we move on, well not the case tonight...

I'm at the deli which took a long ass time. I had Kieran with me and he was trying to stay with Jared. After he ran laps in the store while pushing the cart he kept crashing into Kieran's cart. I asked him to slow down and to not crash. He was mad and pushing me away and yelling be quiet, I don't want to.

But then a not so nice older lady walked by the vicinity at the same time that he threw the cart towards Kieran but it kept going and almost hit the lady in the leg. We were running towards the cart trying to catch it and I apologized very kindly and all I got was a nasty scowl back at me. Yikes that reminds me of the last time I was at Kroger. I'll just tell ya cause I'm here :) Jared was riding in the cart but he was standing in it, we were stopped in an aisle and this old couple walked by (scowls on their faces) the man proceeded to tell me that I better make him sit down because he saw a girl fall out once and cut up her face. I smiled and said thank you and kept walking all the while absolutely no change in their facial expression or demeanor. I told Jason when I got home and he came up with some comebacks to use next time, LOL!

Back to tonight, I told Jared that he almost hit that lady and to please not throw the cart again. He pushed me away yelling something. I don't know what was up with him tonight because this was way more meanness than usual. I just wanted to hurry up and get out of there. After a few minutes he wanted to ride in the big cart.

I'm really trying not to react and get mad when the kids are acting out, it is hard because I'm a very reactionary person. I'm getting pretty good at it though.

Raising Children as a Spiritual Practice

I got this from Zenmommas garden.

Raising children as a spiritual practice.

1. Try to imagine the world from your child's point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world.

2.Imagine how you appear and sound from your child's point of view, i.e., having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, and what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?

3. Practice seeing your children as perfect just the way they are. See if you can stay mindful of their sovereignty from moment to moment, and work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.

4.Be mindful of your expectations of your children and consider whether they are truly in your child's best interest. Also, be aware of how you communicate those expectations and how they affect your children.

5. Practice altruism, putting the needs of your children above your own whenever possible. Then see if there isn't some common ground, where your true needs can also be met. You may be surprised at how much overlap is possible, especially if you are patient and strive for balance.

6. When you feel lost, or at a loss, remember to stand still and meditate on the whole by bringing your full attention to the situation, to your child, to yourself, to the family. In doing so, you may go beyond thinking, even good thinking, and perceive intuitively, with the whole of your being, what needs to be done. If that is not clear in any moment, maybe the best thing is to not do anything until it becomes clearer. Sometimes it is good to remain silent.

7. Try embodying silent presence. This will grow out of both formal and informal mindfulness practice over time if you attend to how you carry yourself and what you project in body, mind, and speech. Listen carefully.

8 Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance. In Zen and the Art of Archery, Herrigel describes how he was taught to stand at the point of highest tension effortlessly without shooting the arrow. At the right moment, the arrow mysteriously shoots itself. Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome occur. Simply bring your full awareness and presence to this moment. Practice seeing that whatever comes up is "workable" if you are willing to trust your intuition. Your child needs you to be a center of balance and trustworthiness, a reliable landmark by which he or she can take a bearing within his or her own landscape. Arrow and target need each other. They will find each other best through wise attention and patience.

9. Apologize to your child when you have betrayed a trust in even a little way. Apologies are healing. An apology demonstrates that you have thought about a situation and have come to see it more clearly, or perhaps more from your child's point of view. But be mindful of being "sorry" too often. It loses its meaning if you are always saying it, making regret into a habit. Then it can become a way not to take responsibility for your actions.
Cooking in remorse on occasion is a good meditation. Don't shut off the stove until the meal is ready.

10. Every child is special, and every child has special needs. Each sees in an entirely unique way. Hold an image of each child in your heart. Drink in their being, wishing them well.

11. There are important times when we need to be clear and strong and unequivocal with children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness, generosity, and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid, domineering, and controlling.

12. The greatest gift you can give your child is your self. This means that part of your work as a parent is to keep growing in self-knowledge and awareness. This ongoing work can be furthered by making a time for quiet contemplation in whatever ways feel comfortable to us. We only have right now. Let us use it to its best advantage, for our children's sake, and for our own.

Excerpted from Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. Copyright

Not sure what to call it

Ok... I don't know what I'm posting about, random thoughts I guess.

So much is going on, so much happens everyday, so many questions asked by the kids.

Today my friend was here briefly and she said I was so calm and tranquil, back up a few phone calls ago, she told me she was getting sleepy talking to me, I'm like what am I boring or something? She said no there is a calm in your voice that is relaxing me. This is funny because I am pretty uptight and impatient but I TRY not to be some days it doesn't matter how hard I try. Sunday was a bomb it was like a bad day of PMS even though flo just ended. I'm on a new remedy and it is messing with my hormones as we try to find the right dose.

So today she is like you are so calm as Cassie is having a thing, all the kids are outside you know, swirling hooks and shovels, you are so calm as you talk to them. Look at how you picked up those legos... It's so funny but she is right today, I was calm like not my usual uptight self, I was tired though I'm not sleeping well. It was just funny to me because I'm not usually like that but I want to be like that, I want to be peaceful even when things around me aren't.

I'm reading The Unprocessed Child and was trying to explain that to her, I will do a seperate post on that when I finish the book.