Thursday, December 20, 2007

Laying the foundation of Trust

These thoughts are spurred from Kelly Lovejoy's article that I thought was great, then I passed it on to RCU and it took on many rabbit trails.

Our kids trust us to tell them the truth, they look to us for guidance or reassurance, they need to know that we are honest and forthcoming with them.

I used the analogy of hot as in the stove is hot, many parents say hot, don't touch. I didn't do that when I was cooking I would tell my child that the oven was hot and then I would hold their hand close enough for them to feel the heat radiating from it. They need to know what hot means and if you just tell them not to touch it because it is hot and they touch it anyway and find out it is cold then they will have a hard time believing you in the future.

This can set up an adversarial relationship right from the start. I want my kids to trust me, I always tell them the truth and they know that and they believe me when I tell them something.

I remember when my kids were babies and there was this guy, Ferber, who came up with a method to get babies to sleep. Oh my gosh, I can't believe it, let them cry it out and they will sleep on their own. Can you imagine how the baby felt, their only means of communication is crying and the parent just leaves them to cry for 15 minute intervals or whatever it was. Sure eventually they may stop, they will also realize that they can't count on the person who is supposed to be there for them. You may think babies don't remember but I think they internalize things like that. I was a colicky baby(surprised) my parents tried everything they could to help me, but when I got a little older my mother let me scream in my room.

She told me I was so stubborn that I would cry for 3 hours before falling asleep in the doorway.

Wow, something is wrong with that and I'm not going there. I know my parents did the best they could with what they had and I have forgiven them and vowed NOT to repeat it.

Back to trust, it is so important that our kids really trust us. I also want my kids to question things and think for themselves, I do not want them to be mindlessly compliant, obedient drones, which is really good because they aren't :)

It seems they all have a bit of their mother in them.

I have left this post so many times that I have lost my train of thought.

It's just not wise to spout off everything they can't do, you know forbidden fruit looks really sweet. We talk about things all the time, I do not forbid anything, I want to continue laying the foundation as we head into the teen years. Trust and respect are the key to every relationship that is important to us.


EC said...

This is a great post. Thanks for leaving the comment on my blog about it. I did get a tiny giggle when you said you had left the post so many times you'd lost your train of thought...that happens to me a lot!

Grace Walker said...

Stephanie, I don't know how to explain it but I am helped every single time I read one of your posts and I appreciate you. Just want to tell you that.

Thanks for being my friend!