Cassie time

While I was hoping to work on other things tonight it became apparant that my dd needed me. It started with her wanting to play UNO just the two of us but Brenny wanted to play also and she lost it. I understand about her wanting just the two of us, it is difficult when there is 1 me and 4 of them. We worked it out and we played cards for a bit, then she asked me to come help her name her dolls. It's kind of funny because when I was pregnant with Jared we named all of her dolls but we have since forgotten.

We gave all of the dolls new names and then we dressed all of the naked ones. Then she wanted me to watch a movie with her, it was midnight by then and of course other people needed me. I watched the last half of The Pacifier with her she had started it earlier in the day.

Then I did a few things and finally took a shower and then she asked me to help her spell words, it was 1:45 am by then. So I went back to her room and she had started with some words she knows and asked me to help with some words. She tried to spell and did pretty well then asked me to get some books so she could look at the words. She filled a notebook page with words and decided she was ready to go to sleep.

I realize that she needs me and some days it's hard because we are so different emotionally, I'm working on being able to relate to her. I am just not emotional, her whole day was because she got up early for church after going to sleep at her usual time.

Don't think that I don't have emotions, I have lots but I'm a thinker and a doer I follow my head and I'm not really *emotionally female* some people know what I mean, my best friend does cause she gets me :)

Actually I hardly ever cried until I got pregnant, I thought there was something wrong with me, crying at hallmark commercials. Having kids did change me on many levels but it did make me more emotional and aware of feelings. After all this time I have mostly reverted back to my usual self, I can cry but it's not that common.

Childhood

I'm not sure where to begin, I've talked briefly about my childhood. I want to start by saying that I have forgiven my parents but unfortunately I can't forget. Some things that happen early in life really stick with you whether they are good or not. My parents married young, they were 17 and 18 when I was born. I suppose they loved each other in the beginning but didn't know how to really be parents or make a marriage, they tried the best they could.



Being the oldest child you see and hear things, all the fighting, yelling, screaming etc... It went on for 10 years before they divorced. I have to say that it was a blessing and the best thing they could have done. I don't advocate divorce but sometimes it is the best option. It was nasty of course, I was 11 and old enough to decide which parent to live with. I chose my mom because I wanted to be there for my brother and sister.

I'm not sure where I want to go with this post, I think I need to start a new one. I started this a couple days ago but have lost a lot of my original thoughts.

It was prompted by some threads at RCU about marriages and it made me think of my childhood. I actually have blocked out so many things that do come back to me from time to time. I still believe that I have many repressed memories and they are holding me back in some areas of my life.

It is so important to realize that how we treat our children will stay with them. I just put a wall up around me so that I wouldn't get hurt, but that caused many issues as well. I'm not really good at feelings and expressing them well or dealing with those that are so full of sensitive emotions.

Lots of gaming going on

My kids have been on a gaming streak these past few days, Lego Star Wars, Zoo Tycoon 2 and Battlefield 2 are the choices. They are really working on them, all 4 of them are playing lots.



I think it's great! The only challenge is sharing the computer :)



I guess they were getting burned out on Runescape and needed a change. Usually they don't all want the computer or gamecube at the same time.

Jared just got Lego Star Wars II for his birthday for the PS2, so they have been playing that, dh included.

Brenny is back at Runescape, he was on for quite awhile today. The neighbor kid two doors down wasn't feeling well so he was on also and they were on the phone while playing. They were helping each other out. Brennan is reading more and more each day and he is spelling and typing too, all because of Runescape.

Unschooling

I love unschooling, learning is as natural as breathing for my kids. I have personally completely deschooled, I have no hang ups about school, except for the fact that I was subject to public schooling in the first place.

It makes it hard to explain to people though. Well... we don't follow a curriculum, we don't test, we don't use grades, we don't even know what grade the kids would be in.

I believe that I was born a rebel, a free spirit who couldn't be tied down to some sort of rule oriented life controlled by some other person.

School is a joke and it is damaging and it is a waste of precious time, school is no place for children.

I love the freedom we have, I love that we go to bed when we want and wake when we want. I love that we eat when we are hungry and use the bathroom without asking permission. Oh I could rant on that one.

I love the curiosity in my kids, I like to watch them play, they just go about their day playing, playing, playing. You do know that so much learning happens while playing, learning happens all the time it's everywhere, you can't avoid it. I guess that you could if you were schooled and so ingrained that learning was boring and something that you had to do between 8am and 3pm.

All we can do is plant seeds and be an example, we can't make anyone get it but we can tell people about it who are really seeking out a better way of living and learning.

Offspring

Not the band, LOL! I like them but I'm talking about our kids.

You know our kids are just little versions of us, they have our genes, they have our good and our not so good traits. They look like us, they act like us, I think it's God's way of giving us insight and understanding and for giving us a second chance, providing we don't blow it like our parents did.

I'm not dissing our parents, they did the best they could with the tools they had BUT we know better, we know different and it's our responsibility to step up to the plate and own it.

My little boy, whom I love more than I can express is causing some great heaps of turmoil here. I know his personality, I know he gets frustrated, I know he is a little version of his dad. I want to help him deal with his frustration, I want to help him overcome these issues. When I remain calm and act the way I want him to he does calm down, not instantly it takes a while. He tells me not to look at him, not to talk to him. When he gets like this everything is stupid, he hates everything and he just lashes out.

I understand his frustration and I want to help him but sometimes I talk back to him the way he talks to me and he doesn't like it. I just want him to realize what he is doing.

He is so full of energy and life and he is always acting something out and talking and just being such a sweet boy. He is his father reincarnated, we joke about this, but it has some serious repercussions. My dh never had anyone try to help him and when him and Jared are together they are looking in the mirror.

It's not just those two, I see ourselves in all of our children, I don't want to harbor on the so called negatives of our personalities. Sometimes those qualities are beneficial, we are striving for the best in our children.


After reading what I wrote I deleted a bunch it just seemed to personal and didn't sound the way I wanted. I think it's time for me to talk about unschooling or something.

It's PMS time again

Well... it happens every month do you think we would be used to it by now???????

Today was a rough day but as I observe my life I realize that it's probably no different than any other day except for the fact that my hormones are hopping.

I hate this, I really do because I feel bad and start in on my monthly I'm sorry I'm such a terrible mother rant. I beat myself up one side and down the other. Why you ask??? Well because apparantly I'm fairly sane and patient most of the time according to outside sources. But every damn month I go through this it sucks to be in my skin, I yell easily, I react instead of try to listen and figure out what the problem is. I actually want to have some time to myself, I want to take a bath without taking care of everyone else first. Is this so bad? Apparantly it is when you are me and do so much for everyone that if you want a moment to breathe it isn't accepted very well and therefore you (I) am the bad guy.

I realize that I do things, I give 110% every day except as the hormones mount I have no sympathy or patience and I feel selfish. Which of course I beat myself up for aggin, how dare you want to take a bath, it's only 1:30 am, surely someone needs you... I am being so sarcastic now because the moment is passed and I'm up alone at 3:25 am.

I love my kids I love our lifestyle but sometimes I feel bad for wanting to just be without having to take care of anyone. I realize I'm demented

I also realize that some parents put their needs above their kids and I don't do that and that is why I feel so selfish that I actually want to just go take a bath.

I know there needs to be balance and moderation and all that good stuff But anyone who knows me can see I tend to be all or nothing. I struggle so much with balance and grey areas and middle ground. I'm sure I'll find them someday but who knows maybe I won't. Maybe I am supposed to be piss and vinegar, to blaze a trail and set an example in this life with my beliefs and passions.

I just hate confusing my kids who one day have a mom who is patient and helpful and is a doer and the next day they have the terrible mother rant...

To be continued...

Something funny... to me

We had a barbeque at our best friends house tonight. It was their family, my family and 2 other families, we all homeschool.

We were all having a blast and my friend and I were there with one of the other moms just chatting and laughing and having a good old time.

Then the other mom(I'm not using their names) said that her son had been grounded for a month and hasn't been playing video games. He just started playing again today, he does not have unlimited access anyway, it's not a privilege.
He has to do school and finish before dinner time which is usually around 6pm before he can play video games. He has about 4 subjects a day to do.

Well my friend knows that I am what I am and I just said *what did she say, she is speaking a foreign language*

This may be one of those had to be there moments but I was serious, what do you mean by school and subjects? What do you mean that video games are a privilege? I'm so confused!!!!!

I'm not sure if she knows we are radical unschoolers or what but they all laughed when I said that.

We don't do school we don't do subjects and there are definitely no priveleges, video games are in the house and there for the taking.

AHHHHHH I know that some people will never understand but one thing that is awesome is that my best friend is reading Holt and Gatto and she says I'm rubbing off on her. If I can even help one family relax and deschool it's all good!

So much to say...

Oh my gosh... I haven't blogged in a few weeks, why you ask? My ds slammed my hand in the sliding door of the van, on accident.

My birthday was May 18th, my mom and new stepdad came to visit from TX, we had such an awesome time. I haven't seen my mom in 3 years and this was the first time to meet Hank. I do have pics that I will post just not right this minute.

We went to the zoo and to the Opry Mills Mall and Gaylord Opryland Hotel and to Outback Steakhouse and Cinco De Mayo and I had the richest chocolate cake, oh my.

Grandpa Hank bought Kieran and Brennan guitars, he plays and collects them and my boys are interested in playing. That is when my hand got slammed the minute we got to the guitar store, OUCH!!!!

I was screaming, I thought it was broken, it swelled and bruised and I couldn't do anything right handed.
I applied arnica several times a day and here I am almost fixed up.
I admit that I hate being dependant and I had to be a left handed person because my right hand was not working.
Oh the mental and emotional trauma I went through is excruciating to think about.

My husband and kids had to do what I normally do and I couldn't participate in email or even sign my name, UGH!!!
I had to write left handed and eat left handed and do other things I won't mention, LOL!

Gosh it seems like a lot has happened te past few weeks, I'll post more soon with pics of course. Brennan turned 9 and we had a box turtle for a day and we have been exploring with a metal detector and playing music and swimming and ,and ,and that's all for now.

Book Quiz

www.bluepyramid.org/ia/bquiz.htm
This is interesting, I took the book quiz, it's 6 questions and this is what came up for me.

You're Anarchy, State, and Utopia!
by Robert Nozick
If it were up to you, there would probably be no government at all. But then you'd have to deal with there being no government, and nobody likes that. So you've decided that hiring a few security guards is okay. Getting rid of that nasty tax collector would sure be nice, though. He keeps getting in the way of you making the money you so richly deserve! Everyone who believes in you happens to be fairly well off.

Jared's hair

Here is my handsome little man, he hasn't had his hair cut in over 1 1/2 years. He looked really cool but then it started looking pretty messy. He was getting called a girl all of the time, so one day at Target he told the checkout lady that he was a kid and a boy. He figured he would tell her before she called him a girl. I have to admit that this was a learning experience for me and a real testimony to his autonomy. I am so glad that I respected his wishes and didn't cut his hair until he wanted me too.

Mothers day

Here I am with my munchkins, we haven't taken a picture of all of us since Christmas so I thought this was a good time to do it.

I got beautiful Lily's that we will plant out front and some organic dark chocolate, my favorite. We spent the day at our best friends house, we ate, played, swam and just enjoyed the day.

Latest illogical parenting beef

Some people's parents...

I am always amazed at the lack of mindful parenting that I see, I know many people don't even think twice about how they parent or about trying to do better.

The latest from our neighbors happened yesterday. The little girl just turned five and is very small IMO, her training wheels broke on her little bike. We have a little bike that I let her ride a few times so she can ride with Cassie. Yesterday I told her that she could borrow the bike, her mom doesn't want her to ride it she wants her to learn how to ride without training wheels.

So Cassie comes in and asks Jason to remove the broken wheels so she can help her learn to ride. Jason and I tried to explain to her that it is her parents responsibility to do that. Cassie got really upset and didn't understand why we wouldn't take the wheels off.

My beef is that she told me that her mom said she has to learn how to ride without training wheels. She isn't even ready for one thing and another thing is how can the child learn if her parents don't remove the wheels and get off their asses and help the child?????

So in the mean time she has no bike to ride and isn't allowed to ride ours.

An analogy that crossed my mind was if a velcro strap broke on her shoes
and the only other pair she had was with laces and her mom said that she has to learn how to tie or she won't wear any shoes. I'm not wording it right but my point is there, this is asanine. I have many examples from this very family that make no sense to me, UGH!

Welcome to the south

Ticks...
Two of my fears in moving to TN were ticks and tornadoes. Last night Jared had a big tick in his scalp, it was really in there. We had a really hard time getting it out and are slightly concerned that we didn't get it all. Jared was in so much pain it was truly awful.
We are just watching him and praying that he doesn't develop any symptoms of illness from it.

Last year Cassie had one on her neck and last month Brenny had one crawling on him but this was by far the worst for Jared. Of course I'm afraid, I hate the thought of ticks, ewww yuck.

As for the tornadoes we have had some touch down around us and I hope it doesn't come any closer then that. Of course we had tornadoes in PA also and I never realized that when we moved there.

Oh well there are trade offs for living here but it's worth not having months on end of sub zero temps and snow,I don't like winter.

So it's time to start the nightly tick check on the kids and get some Bug-X.

Information overload

Wow!! This week I have so much new information from my Homeopathy course, my brain is swirling. Last night I was reading and I had to stop because there is so much to take in.
I was dreamimg of acute miasms and succusions and triturations and belladonna and reperatories and Hering's Law of cures and...

I hope I can really remember and absorb, their is so much to learn. I have been loosely reasearching Homeopathy for about a year but I really needed the information presented this way. I love the internet!!!!

Quick check in

I haven't posted anything new in quite awhile except for the quotes. I have been taking an online course in Homeopathy and that takes extra time from my week. I love it, I'm gaining a huge amount of knowledge and I will be able to treat my own family in first aid and acute conditions. I also plan to go on to the advanced course, it's all online so it's great for me.

The kids are doing great, Kieran and Brennan have been playing lots of Runescape, they'll each use a computer and get on at the same time and help each other out. Brennan is learning how to read as he goes, it's been such a natural progression for him, it's awesome to watch natural learning unfold over time.

Jared has been even more intense then usual and having major outbursts, we are working on helping him figure out his world. It's really hard to reach him sometimes and I am doing my best not to react and yell at him. Of course that is totally counterproductive and I've been doing pretty well, it's hard not to get frustrated when he is flipping out and yelling.

We are supposed to have major storms tonight, it's been really warm and now there is a cold front coming. We have the A/C on and will need the heat this weekend, bizarre.

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary, dh brought me lovely flowers and we had a nice family dinner.

Please Vote for your favorite quote

Please follow the link and vote for your favorite quote.

www.jewlsntexas.blogspot.com/

Quirky quotes contest entry 2

"There is no difference between living and learning...it is impossible and misleading and harmful to think of them as being separate"

John Holt in "What Do I Do Monday"

Quirky quotes contest entry 1

"So if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school?
High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that."

Uncle Frank(Steve Carell) Little Miss Sunshine, 2006

Now I see

I had a nice talk with my best friend and we (well she) pointed out that I am a perfectionist. I want to do everything the best possible way and some of my standards are unreachable.
I really never thought of me that way but when we talked about practical examples of things I do and how I do them she is right I'm a perfectionist... There I said it do I need to join some club now like perfectionists anonymous
I am who I am and it's ok to be me :)

Something I'm not

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am, I mean really am...
It seems I'm always trying to change myself and be something I'm not. Change is good I've changed a lot over the years but my core, true self hasn't. I guess I mean trying to conform to some idea or standard of what I should be. Let me think of some examples, I am naturally strong willed, tell it like it is, honest, I've been told I'm brutally honest and I don't think it was a compliment. I don't mean to come off harsh or uncaring, my personality is that of a choleric/driver if anyone knows what I mean. There are many good traits to this also, as with any personality there are pros and cons, people are different.

I like to talk straight, if you know me this really isn't a problem but in many situations in the past, I just sit back and don't let my true self be known. For many years in church, nobody ever knew the real me, I felt like the *fake Stephanie* This has nothing to do with my faith in God or my belief system it has to do with really telling people how I feel or what I think. Some people are easily offended and it is never my intent to offend, I have learned over the years that those people had other issues they were dealing with and something I said hit them the wrong way.

So for years I have been trying to make myself be what I think I'm supposed to be, I pray to God to make me *patient, kind, loving, compassionate* I guess I am these things but in my own way. I'm not quiet or meek or tame. I think things that I never say out loud but God knows my thoughts.

I want to be the best person I can be but I think I have set these unrealistic expectations and for things that really aren't me. I'm not a nice touchy feely supportive lovey dovey kind of person. I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling, I just want to be me without trying to be something I'm not.