Today was a rough day but as I observe my life I realize that it's probably no different than any other day except for the fact that my hormones are hopping.
I hate this, I really do because I feel bad and start in on my monthly I'm sorry I'm such a terrible mother rant. I beat myself up one side and down the other. Why you ask??? Well because apparantly I'm fairly sane and patient most of the time according to outside sources. But every damn month I go through this it sucks to be in my skin, I yell easily, I react instead of try to listen and figure out what the problem is. I actually want to have some time to myself, I want to take a bath without taking care of everyone else first. Is this so bad? Apparantly it is when you are me and do so much for everyone that if you want a moment to breathe it isn't accepted very well and therefore you (I) am the bad guy.
I realize that I do things, I give 110% every day except as the hormones mount I have no sympathy or patience and I feel selfish. Which of course I beat myself up for aggin, how dare you want to take a bath, it's only 1:30 am, surely someone needs you... I am being so sarcastic now because the moment is passed and I'm up alone at 3:25 am.
I love my kids I love our lifestyle but sometimes I feel bad for wanting to just be without having to take care of anyone. I realize I'm demented
I also realize that some parents put their needs above their kids and I don't do that and that is why I feel so selfish that I actually want to just go take a bath.
I know there needs to be balance and moderation and all that good stuff But anyone who knows me can see I tend to be all or nothing. I struggle so much with balance and grey areas and middle ground. I'm sure I'll find them someday but who knows maybe I won't. Maybe I am supposed to be piss and vinegar, to blaze a trail and set an example in this life with my beliefs and passions.
I just hate confusing my kids who one day have a mom who is patient and helpful and is a doer and the next day they have the terrible mother rant...
To be continued...