Saturday, February 10, 2007

Something I'm not

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am, I mean really am...
It seems I'm always trying to change myself and be something I'm not. Change is good I've changed a lot over the years but my core, true self hasn't. I guess I mean trying to conform to some idea or standard of what I should be. Let me think of some examples, I am naturally strong willed, tell it like it is, honest, I've been told I'm brutally honest and I don't think it was a compliment. I don't mean to come off harsh or uncaring, my personality is that of a choleric/driver if anyone knows what I mean. There are many good traits to this also, as with any personality there are pros and cons, people are different.

I like to talk straight, if you know me this really isn't a problem but in many situations in the past, I just sit back and don't let my true self be known. For many years in church, nobody ever knew the real me, I felt like the *fake Stephanie* This has nothing to do with my faith in God or my belief system it has to do with really telling people how I feel or what I think. Some people are easily offended and it is never my intent to offend, I have learned over the years that those people had other issues they were dealing with and something I said hit them the wrong way.

So for years I have been trying to make myself be what I think I'm supposed to be, I pray to God to make me *patient, kind, loving, compassionate* I guess I am these things but in my own way. I'm not quiet or meek or tame. I think things that I never say out loud but God knows my thoughts.

I want to be the best person I can be but I think I have set these unrealistic expectations and for things that really aren't me. I'm not a nice touchy feely supportive lovey dovey kind of person. I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling, I just want to be me without trying to be something I'm not.

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