Saturday, July 28, 2007

Therapy session

I rarely have a chance to go into deep thought and discussion with anyone. My best friend and I do talk about all sorts of stuff including me, she says I'm not a mystery to her.

Some things I try and discuss with Jason but he is such an easy going guy who is always joking around it's really hard to have a conversation with him. He makes me laugh, if I didn't marry him I would be going around all serious all the time.

So I haven't been sleeping well, honestly I haven't really slept in 12 years but I'm not going into the my babies only slept for 2 hours at a time thing right now. I don't have any more babies although we do have some odd sleeping habits going on and if you read my blog you know that.

Where am I going? Last night well actually it was in the morning somewhere between 9 and 11 am I actually got into REM, I haven't dreamed in days. I call what I do *surface sleep* I'm slightly asleep but know everything that is going on or I am just plain laying there awake.

When I do actually dream I remember my dreams and I wake up more tired then when I don't dream. My theory is that my body is trying to hit on that sleep deficit but it won't really happen in this lifetime. My motto is sleep is highly overrated, well that is one of my many mottos anyway.

So onto my *therapy session* with dh... I woke up abruptly from my dream and then tried to fall back to sleep, useless I know. As I lay there I start thinking about everything I need to do, all sorts of stuff goes through my head, how can a person sleep when they can't shut up?!

I have this inner *need/desire/burn/drive* I don't know what it is but I have to be PRODUCTIVE. I wanted to know if I was born this way, are people born this way or did something make me this way??? I have a lot to deal with from my childhood and I went through so much and I deal with it as I remember it. I also try sooo hard in my parenting because what happens to you as a child doesn't go away.

I do have a point, I can't/don't just sit and relax and if I do it's for 2 minutes or I am thinking about all sorts of shit that I can't really let go of.
I always am doing something, I don't just do nothing, is that possible? How do I let go and shut off my mind how do I relax????

I do take HOT baths with Merlot and I have such good thoughts and Ideas in the tub, and I do relax just for a moment...

So why do I feel like I have to be productive??? I don't know but I do and I also believe that I or you don't HAVE to do anything!!! I choose to do what I do everything is a choice, some days I choose not to do things I normally do.

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