Tuesday, September 02, 2008

healing

Friday night my dear husband let me have a therapy session, he is such a trooper.

I hadn't cried since Tuesday for heaven's sake :) In my real life I haven't cried for years, although having babies did soften me up. When I was pregnant I would cry at Hallmark commercials, I thought something was wrong with me.

I talked a lot, he listened, nodded and even spoke briefly, he just listened. I probably just need someone to listen so I feel validated in some way to know that what happened to me and what I think really matters.

Something I said triggered the flood gates and I just cried. It was so good and so bizarre, I'm still trying to figure out why I am having crying jags but I know I need to cry for all the stuff I never did.

I just need to be human, I need to feel things.
I closed off my emotions for so long, I was cold, I really was a snob, I joke about it but I can look back and see that I was harsh.

All I can say is I'm working on figuring out what is holding me back, why am I so controlling of some things? Why I am so uptight and expecting perfection?

I need to live and let go and learn and heal and move on.

I have forgiven my parents but I can't forget. My mom tried to NOT be her mom, I can see the cycle, my mom did do better.

The buck stops here, I am breaking the chain, the ties that bind are no longer relavent.

I have very distant relationships with my parents and I have tried to bridge the gap but it is so huge. I'm closer to my mom than I ever was and it really isn't close but I just can't deal with my dad. I love my parents, but I just don't relate, I am so different from dad that it's a chore to speak. I mean religion, politics, schooling are off limits.

I remember things they did when I was a kid and I wonder if they remember. I hesitate to share any specific events in public.

I'm not here to dwell or bring anyone down, I'm here to heal and be a good example for my children and anyone who can relate to my struggles.

8 comments:

TAMI said...

You are blessed among women to have the hand of your Father on you in such tender and healing ways. Yes, you need to cry for all the stuff you never did. And you'll learn to laugh for new reasons, to have compassion where judgment previously resided - both with others and with yourself.

Tina said...

I think of you so often that you'll never know.

I'm hear to listen, even if only through email and our blogs.

Deanna said...

Have you read "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert? I'm listening to it in my car right now and there's a part in the second section in which the author finally releases the pain, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc. in her life. It's a great book so far and I recommend it.

Grace Walker said...

I love you Stephanie!! I can so absolutely relate to what you're saying and am on a very similar journey myself. I'm so glad we met. You're a great friend!!

Sandra Dodd said...

It helped me to consciously do for Kirby (my first baby) things I wish my mom could have (or would have) done for me. When he got to do something I would have liked as a child, he was doing it for both of us.

It was very healing, and I was glad to give him as much peace and patience as I could. Of course I was a better mom with the next two, because I had practiced, but still I remember the internal dialog when it was just me and Kirby, and I forgave my mom for some things as I thought how nice it would've been had she had the courage and inspiration to go even MORE against what her parents had done to and with her.

unschoolermom said...

I'm praying!

Kandy

Poppy and Mei said...

Wow. The more I read of you the more I think we have in common. Our family situation seems similar.
Thank-you so much for writing, it helps me to feel not so alone...Xxx

justjuls said...

I'm so glad you have Jason! He's awesome. BUT if the dang hurricane hadn't come - maybe I could've been your listening ear. I'm always available. I mean that.
We can and are breaking the chains - little at a time by being parents that respect and love our kids - not putting them into positions we were left in -
Let those feelings come up - at first it will feel like vomiting - but in the end you'll feel so much better.

Love you girl - and I mean that from the bottom of my heart!