Wednesday, August 27, 2008

childhood pain

I have started this several times and keep deleting it...
I don't know where to begin and my thoughts aren't clear and concise right now.

I went to my doctor today for a check up, he thinks I'm doing great and making progress. I've lost 18 pounds in 6 weeks, I'm exercising everyday and making healthy food choices. I was very nervous and my blood pressure was elevated but I have been monitoring it at home and it is fine. The nurse said it's white coat syndrome, the funny thing is he doesn't wear a white coat. He is a great doctor and he is very calm and easy to talk to.

He also does sessions where he helps people deal with stress and suppressed emotions. I would love to do a session but can't afford it right now. We touched on a few things today and I just started crying, who knew it would actually feel good?

I spent several years NOT crying, I have suppressed feelings and memories, the stuff I do remember is hard enough to deal with. He basically said that the little girl inside me needs to be cared for, I need to nurture myself and treat myself the way I should have been treated as a child. That scared little girl who was treated so badly learned how to be cold and emotionless, she learned how to be strong and protect herself from pain.

In the process I have buried all of this stuff and it is coming out, it is coming out in unhealthy ways. It is coming out in the form of anxiety, dizziness, high blood pressure and IBS, the stress that I have carried in my gut all of these years has to be dealt with. It's truly time to set myself free from the bondage of a shitty childhood.

A big reason that I am so gung ho on parenting with respect and being my child's partner not their adversary is due to my past.

As a young child I lived in fear, I remember hiding out in the closet with my little brother and sister listening to my parents fight. It's a wonder they didn't kill each other. I had to grow up fast, I never was able to just be a kid, I was responsible for my siblings. It was more prevalent after the divorce, I became their surrogate mother at the ripe old age of 12. So many things happened in those 12 years and so much is a blur, I remember bits and pieces here and there.
Later on there was the abusive, alcoholic step father and I'm not going there right now.

Why do you think I am so hard on parents who act like idiots and treat their children so badly?? It is unreal, the terrible parenting I see on a daily basis, I just want to shake them and knock some reality into them.

In order for me to be the parent I really want to be I have to parent myself, I have to parent the little girl inside me who keeps trying to come out.

This is going to be a journey but I can't put it off anymore, it really is time to be free, to let go of all of my control issues, you have no idea the issues I have. In reality either does anyone else, why you ask?
I am the pillar of strength and patience apparantly!!! HA HA HA!
That is what people tell me and my husband, I get many compliments on how I parent my kids.

Go figure!
The walls are going to break down and the crying will begin.
My doc said that holding back the tears holds back the toxins and eats away at my gut, ya think?

So I need to find time to let it out and cry and deal with the pain and get to the heart of my issues. Jason is really the only one I'm able to talk to in person, he is a good listener and has been my therapist lately. I just really need to unload and I admit that I am a little afraid of what is really inside of me.

So to sum this up, man is anyone still reading this far?
I will quote an unschooler whom I have quoted before.

I am ad libbing because I can't find it!!!

"When we become parents we are either awoken to our own childhood pain and deal with it or we inflict it on our children"
~J.A.Wood

It's high time I deal with it but rest assured I am not inflicting my kids.
Although I will be a better parent when I can really deal with my past.

On a completely unrelated note, it looks like I'm in peri-menopause, oh joy!

13 comments:

April said...

I'm commenting so you know that I'm praying and cheering for you Stephanie.

justjuls said...

Stephanie - you are on a journey to some healing for yourself - and life can only get better from here. Just remember that - you are in the process of getting better. It can't get worse - it might feel like it at times as you let the stuff come up and out - but that is going to make you feel so much better.
I am here for you in whatever capacity you need. More via email.

Tina said...

I'm so sorry that life has treated you roughly. I only know from experience it is better to get it out and move on. I'm thinking of you from "above" and hope those tears flow soon. Get them out, breathe, heal and move on. Your kiddos are beautiful and look up to YOU.

Sierra Mama said...

Stephanie... I could have written this post myself (with a few minor differences). Reading this makes me realize that I have so many unhealed and pent up emotions and hurts over things that happened in my childhood. I need to deal with it too. Thanks for posting this! Email me if you want to talk about anything. I can COMPLETELY understand what you posted about. I am praying for you and everyone else out there who needs healing.

GregJrsMom said...

I am childhood *damaged* too. I'm pretty far down the healing road now, and it's worth it Girl! Carrying all of that hurt, anger and resentment is, now, literally making you ill. Forgiveness is for YOU. Letting go gives YOU freedom. It doesn't excuse or justify anything that was done to you. Grieve what was lost, what should have been. But then return to what is and see it for the blessing it is now.

You do inspire people, and people do look to you. But it's okay to be seen as human. Pillars are rigid and don't give. They can be broken, and they often hide things. Better to be a willow, bending and giving with the struggle, but keeping intact. :)

TAMI said...

The place you're at is evidence that the Lord is ready to FREE you from these things that are holding you captive. Even though our intentions are good, when we are DRIVEN to do/be the opposite of what are parents did, we're still controlled by our past. Your brokenness is one that we all share, to one degree or another, and that frees us to be authentic with each other and encourage each other in the processes of being healed. My the woman that is TRULY YOU find the places of dancing, worth, beauty, love and security.

mamastreasures said...

Hopefully this statement does not detract from your post -- but validates it:

I could have written most of it.

My own path has been defined by child abuse. Horrible, physical fighting...emotional, physical and sexual abuse of the children and their mother. Divorce, rage-filled stepfathers. Mothers in complete denial.

All of it.

The rage can turn healthy vital systems necrotic if not dealt with.

Power and peace to you as you go down this necessary-healing path...

namaste,
Mary

mamastreasures said...

Hopefully this statement does not detract from your post -- but validates it:

I could have written most of it.

My own path has been defined by child abuse. Horrible, physical fighting...emotional, physical and sexual abuse of the children and their mother. Divorce, rage-filled stepfathers. Mothers in complete denial.

All of it.

The rage can turn healthy vital systems necrotic if not dealt with.

Power and peace to you as you go down this necessary-healing path...

namaste,
Mary

Heather said...

Mine is a different backstory but with the same gut. Praying for healing and the peace that passes understanding for you.

a conscious life said...

oh, steph, i wish i could just take all of the pain away! i know that at times you can't see the step right below you... but don't let the fear stop you from moving forward. it's a muddy, dirty path sometimes... but SO worth it to finally be free! SOOOOO worth going through all of the pain again. can i send you some music that helped me heal?

i wish i could give you a hug right now. i'd let you cry for as long as you needed to... i'd probably cry with you.

love you!

a conscious life said...

i had so many times that i felt so alone in dealing with the pain... i had to imagine God's arms wrapped around me... i had to imagine the big dark room i was stuck in and in one corner i could see a light, God's light, and as i focused on the light it got brighter and brighter and filled the room, showing me that there was nothing to be scared of... he'll walk through it with you, and when you don't think you can take another step, he'll carry you to the next one.

Poppy and Mei said...

Phew.
Very, very inspiring.
That quote really hit home.
I wish you much luck & I'll be checking back to see if you share more about this.
I hope you do, I know it would help me & probably many others, greatly.
Thank-you for being so brave...Xxx

Robin said...

I can relate in so many ways. I know one thing I have trouble with, that I think might help you as well, is make sure to take the time to HAVE FUN! I know it's tough when you're spending all your time trying to be the perfect mom and wife on top of trying to make sense of the horrible way you were raised. Also, make sure you surround yourself with positive, supportive and healthy people. That definitely makes a huge impact how how you can keep moving forward. And CONGRATS on your weight loss!!! Keep going girl!