Unconscious Mutterings

1. Groceries :: Expensive


2. Deodorant :: fresh scent


3. Psychic :: me


4. Cherries :: marashino


5. Spooky :: a black cat we had when I was a kid


6. Yogurt :: Stoneyfield farms


7. Kitchen :: dishes


8. Nothing personal :: don't be offended


9. Be nice :: ya that always works


10. Delivery :: special

Luna Nina

I feel the love

Thank you my friends!

I appreciate your encouraging words, thank you for taking the time to comment.

Thanks to all who read and don't comment too, I understand that sometimes you just don't know what to say.

childhood pain

I have started this several times and keep deleting it...
I don't know where to begin and my thoughts aren't clear and concise right now.

I went to my doctor today for a check up, he thinks I'm doing great and making progress. I've lost 18 pounds in 6 weeks, I'm exercising everyday and making healthy food choices. I was very nervous and my blood pressure was elevated but I have been monitoring it at home and it is fine. The nurse said it's white coat syndrome, the funny thing is he doesn't wear a white coat. He is a great doctor and he is very calm and easy to talk to.

He also does sessions where he helps people deal with stress and suppressed emotions. I would love to do a session but can't afford it right now. We touched on a few things today and I just started crying, who knew it would actually feel good?

I spent several years NOT crying, I have suppressed feelings and memories, the stuff I do remember is hard enough to deal with. He basically said that the little girl inside me needs to be cared for, I need to nurture myself and treat myself the way I should have been treated as a child. That scared little girl who was treated so badly learned how to be cold and emotionless, she learned how to be strong and protect herself from pain.

In the process I have buried all of this stuff and it is coming out, it is coming out in unhealthy ways. It is coming out in the form of anxiety, dizziness, high blood pressure and IBS, the stress that I have carried in my gut all of these years has to be dealt with. It's truly time to set myself free from the bondage of a shitty childhood.

A big reason that I am so gung ho on parenting with respect and being my child's partner not their adversary is due to my past.

As a young child I lived in fear, I remember hiding out in the closet with my little brother and sister listening to my parents fight. It's a wonder they didn't kill each other. I had to grow up fast, I never was able to just be a kid, I was responsible for my siblings. It was more prevalent after the divorce, I became their surrogate mother at the ripe old age of 12. So many things happened in those 12 years and so much is a blur, I remember bits and pieces here and there.
Later on there was the abusive, alcoholic step father and I'm not going there right now.

Why do you think I am so hard on parents who act like idiots and treat their children so badly?? It is unreal, the terrible parenting I see on a daily basis, I just want to shake them and knock some reality into them.

In order for me to be the parent I really want to be I have to parent myself, I have to parent the little girl inside me who keeps trying to come out.

This is going to be a journey but I can't put it off anymore, it really is time to be free, to let go of all of my control issues, you have no idea the issues I have. In reality either does anyone else, why you ask?
I am the pillar of strength and patience apparantly!!! HA HA HA!
That is what people tell me and my husband, I get many compliments on how I parent my kids.

Go figure!
The walls are going to break down and the crying will begin.
My doc said that holding back the tears holds back the toxins and eats away at my gut, ya think?

So I need to find time to let it out and cry and deal with the pain and get to the heart of my issues. Jason is really the only one I'm able to talk to in person, he is a good listener and has been my therapist lately. I just really need to unload and I admit that I am a little afraid of what is really inside of me.

So to sum this up, man is anyone still reading this far?
I will quote an unschooler whom I have quoted before.

I am ad libbing because I can't find it!!!

"When we become parents we are either awoken to our own childhood pain and deal with it or we inflict it on our children"
~J.A.Wood

It's high time I deal with it but rest assured I am not inflicting my kids.
Although I will be a better parent when I can really deal with my past.

On a completely unrelated note, it looks like I'm in peri-menopause, oh joy!

Typical

I don't know if I'm messing with copywrite laws here...

The link is Foxtrot

It just hits the nail on the head!

How do you MAKE them do it????

Fear, punishment, coercion...

co·er·cion
1.
the act of coercing; use of force or intimidation to obtain compliance.
2.
force or the power to use force in gaining compliance, as by a government or police force.

How great is public school??? Yeah I know it's WONDERFUL!!!!

BWHAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Dripping with sarcasm!!

sar·casm

–noun
1.
harsh or bitter derision or irony.
2.
a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.

Who me?

LOL!

First game

Brennan had his first baseball game yesterday, it was a great game, the kids played hard. Brennan had it a little rough, after he hit a grounder and ran hard to first he collided with the first baseman. Brenny flipped over the kid and landed on his leg and fell to his back. I was standing right there by first base and I opened the gate and started to go onto the field. His coaches tended to him and I just stood there in mama bear mode watching. I refrained from walking over there, I just watched like a hawk. I saw his foot come down on the bag and thought it was his ankle but it was his thigh. He got up and ran it off and he was safe too :)

A few other times he had some near misses, the ball was following him but all in all he did great.



He plays catcher and rotates to first base, they even had him in center field yesterday.

Here he is at bat before the drama started.

The coaches huddled after the game, which we won 10-7, and came over and announced that Brenny was awarded the game ball. His coach said since it was his first time playing with the team and he played hard and got the crap beat out of him, he earned it.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Cry :: baby


2. Stretch :: marks


3. Efficient :: running smoothly


4. Brunch :: champagne


5. Afro :: 70's


6. Preheat :: oven


7. Delicious :: pizza


8. Global warming :: Al Gore


9. Actions :: speak louder than words


10. Ride :: like the wind Bullseye

These are truly unconscious, I am so wiped out. We had a late night/morning and spent several hours at the baseball field.

I am heading to bed...

Luna Nina

spanking again

The neighbor boy is spending the night and he was telling me some things. One was kind of funny, he said I'm not cranky like his mom. I thanked him and chuckled and told him that I do GET cranky, he said but not like my mom.

I guess being 8 days late isn't making me too mean :)

Today we have been working on house cleaning, you have no idea how messy this place was.

I was cleaning in Cassie's room, that room will probably take a few days to weed through, I barely made a dent.

Anyway he told me that he gets a whooping if his room gets that messy. I told him I'm sorry and I don't believe in spanking. He said that he is afraid to make a mistake or get in trouble at school because they paddle you there too.

He said that first they call your parents to see if you deserve one. I am so appalled by this, it is totally barbaric.

I said that NOBODY deserves to get hit. He said he wished the president would make a rule against it. I told him that even if he did many parents would still hit their kids.

We talked a little more, he said he gets grounded sometimes too.

I told him I don't really think that is a great thing either. I said what does it do? What do you learn from it? He said nothing except that he is scared to do anything wrong. He is a kid and is going to do things *wrong*

I know I'm beating a dead horse but I firmly believe that hitting is wrong and that nobody has the right to hit someone, especially a child.

meeting people

I met a homeschooler!

Cassie is in soccer now and practice is twice a week, on Tuesday a mom introduced herself to me and all the while Jared and I talked with her older son.

I felt totally cool and comfortable with them, we met her dh too.

Today I saw her again and we sat next to each other and just talked freely.
Guess what?
DUH!

They are homeschoolers from day one, kids never in school. She is very relaxed, they have some curriculum around but she learned that they don't do well if they follow it. They are very go with the flow people, not unschoolers but a relaxed, not uptight homeschooler is awesome to find.

We are just getting to know each but we have many commonalities already.

For one she is a believer but doesn't go to church, how cool is that? We talked briefly about God and that we both believe it's about personal relationship opposed to institutions. I told her about Gatto, she didn't know of him, my book is loaned out but when I get it back I'll loan it to her.

Just one of those people that I felt connected with, I love that, we'll see how time goes on, we might become good friends.

Say what?

Is it still PMS when it's a week late?
I know I have already asked that question.

I am so predictably unpredictable according to Jason.

I can be 28 days, I can be a week late and I can skip it.
Who knows what it will be this time?

I am actually doing remarkably well I have been using progesterone cream for two months and now I'm exercising and eating better(mostly)
Last night I needed salt so I munched on fritos, I know great for my diet...

I am only having moments of PMS, I used to have 2 weeks of it non stop.

You can only use the cream from day 12-26 so when you are way past that and not freaking out it's all good.

Last week I said something and Jason put his hand up with one finger and then swirled his other hand around it in a circle, to demonstrate the world revolving around me.

I do tend to say things and how they affect ME.
Let's be REAL, if the world really revolved around me things would be very different :)

Hey this is my first hormonal post in awhile :)
It's not even bad...

Spanking in schools?

http://www.comcast.net/articles/news-general/20080820/NEWS-USA-SCHOOLS-PUNISHMENT-DC/

This is ridiculous!

I can't believe this is still going on today.

The cost

Registration $80
Glove $10
Helmet $10
Batting gloves $15
Gear bag $8
Cleats $30
Compression shorts $20
Socks $10
Pants $40
Used Bats $20

Waiting for son to go pro and take care of his parents... Priceless


Who knew baseball was so expensive???

We did get a deal on some of those items like the glove and helmet but the pants about put us over the edge.

Our 10 yr old boy is a big boy and needed mens pants. We found some online for a great price, followed the sizing chart and ordered them. They arrived yesterday and are way too big.

We have been everywhere around here and online but now there is no time to shop online.

Tonight Jason found a store with the right size waist so he bought them, they are long though.

Brennan is only 5 ft tall but his mid section is bigger than youth sizes.

Joking aside from my post he has talent, he was born with it and we want him to explore it and do what he wishes with it.

He was born to play sports, when he was just 8 months old he walked around the house batting a lego with a rattle.

Yes I said walked :)

He actually took his first steps at 7 mos. 3 weeks and was walking across the house at 8 months.

Anyway he loves all sports and can play most sports well.

First kiss

There is a little girl at the baseball field that has been chasing Jared around. Well today she wanted him to play tag and she kept running after him. He came over to me and told me that she kissed him on the lips.

Oh my gosh!

Jason and I just smiled and watched her keep coming up to him. I'm not sure how old she is, I would guess 7 or 8, Jared is 6.

Jason says it's *the curse*

Women love him, they always have, all ages too from toddlers to older women.

He said Jared has it :)

Too funny!

That picture was in March, I was trying to find one that shows they both have that look in their eye :)

Beautiful summer day

We went to an awesome park in Nashville, it had lots of people and beautiful scenery. I'm just sharing a couple pics right now.

There is a trail around the pond where people can walk, run, jog etc. It is one mile around, we just walked a little ways and stopped to feed the ducks and the pigeons.

Here are my sweet little people although they aren't that little anymore.

Here we are :)

Yes my 13 yr old is almost as tall as me, heck the 10 yr old isn't far behind. I just found out he was standing on a hill but he is only a few inches shorter than I am.

After we left here we went to a little drive up type ice cream stand. Everyone ordered ice cream but I ordered sweet potato fries. Oh my gosh they are awesome, I have got to make some at home.

Then we went to another park because Jared wanted to go to the playground. The park we were at had a playground but it was packed.

There were a lot of people at the next park too but we were able to have enough room. There were some cute little tikes there and they came up and asked me to help them on the monkey bars. If you help one all of a sudden you have a line of kids wanting to do it.

I told Jason I must look trustworthy because they came right up to me like they knew me, he said they can tell you're a mom.

We were there awhile and Jared wanted to swing but they were never open, so we waited because he wouldn't leave happy if he didn't get to swing.

The swings finally became available and he was ready to go after that.

We drove through downtown for a bit, the nightlife there is booming. Jason and I really need a night out someday. The kids like to look at all of the big buildings and lights. There is an A T &T building and they call it the bat building because it looks like batman.

On the way home we saw a beautiful full moon, I tried to get a shot while driving but that wasn't happening.

We got off the freeway and found a place to stop right over the lake.

Just gorgeous!

Then we headed home, it was a great time.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Signature :: style


2. Olympics :: China


3. 100% :: give it my all


4. Damn! :: I'm good


5. Gold :: digger


6. Fresh and natural :: organic fruit


7. Fraction :: half


8. Hurry :: speed


9. Summer :: heat


10. 29th :: Brennan's birthday

Luna Nina

preaching to the choir

I have lots of opinions on things but the major ones that get me going are schooling, unschooling, parenting and freedom.

Tonight I was talking to Jason and he just kept nodding and saying uh huh.

I know he gets me, we are pretty much in sync with each other. The differences we have are minor, we agree on the major stuff in our lives.

So I told him that I don't have anyone to talk to besides him. I know he gets it but sometimes I just have to say it out loud.

I have come to the realization (maybe some of you are way ahead of me on this)
that if I want freedom of choice and certain rights that I have to extend that to everyone, even those that I completely disagree with.

This is a hard thing for me because I would just love to go around telling everyone what I think but I realize that I can't really do that.

For example, my parenting philosophy is very different than my neighbor. Our kids play together everyday so I have a frame of reference. We have talked about various things but we are so opposite on parenting and schooling that I do not bring it up.

Now when someone asks me what I think about something then I can share or sometimes a door opens and I can plant a seed. Otherwise I just work on being an example. That does work because I have been complemented more than once or twice.

I guess sometimes I just want to shout from my rooftop and other times I just want to hang out in my comfort zone and not deal with people.

Fall sports have begun and I have already witnessed a few parenting situations that have bothered me. I'm sure I'll see a lot more as the season progresses, well at least I'll have something to blog about.

One example, at one practice this little guy was getting ready to bat and he was talking to me, I was standing at the fence where he was waiting to hit. He didn't know who I was but he was so gung ho about being able to steal a base, this is the 9 and 10 yr old group. He went on to tell me all the times you are allowed to steal and he was so excited.

Well the little guy struck out, he cried and cried and sat down and cried some more.
His dad was on the field helping and he came in, I didn't hear what he said but his mom came over and yelled at him. He was told that he can't do that here and to get a hold of himself, he just said *I can't help it*

It was really sad, he went out in the field and playing resumed but he was still crying. I felt so bad for him because I knew how disappointed he was and noone acknowledged his feelings. He was just ridiculed for crying in baseball instead of asked why he was crying or even allowed to feel what he feels.
Now I realize that crying is looked down upon, especially among boys and definitely in sports but he just turned 9 for God's sake.

I'm not trying to pick on people, I think many parents just don't have any ideas except to follow traditional, mainstream parenting because that is what is readily available. There are people like me that go against the grain, that is how many of us have found each other.

New logo

You can see my new logo on the side there, I thought I would tell you where I got it.

I was at Silvia's blog and saw the cool logo and followed the trail.

Here is the link to explain the logo.

In a nutshell the CA teacher's association believes that by ALLOWING parents to homeschool without credentials it will lead to educational anarchy.

BWHAAAAAAA!!!!

Go read the link it's good!

oops

I had a great post in my head and I sat down to the computer and my daughter tripped on the cord and knocked over a full glass of wine and it shattered all over the place. It was my Princess House crystal and Yellow Tail Merlot for those that care.

I am down to one crystal glass now, I used to have so much crystal and they keep getting broken.

The good news is that nobody got cut and we all pitched in to clean it up.

Tea Party

Cassie's grandma sent her this doll in the mail. My mother in law's friend made the doll and grandpa made the clothes.
She named her Sacagawea.

It's tea time :)

Cassie asked me to get the other porcelain dolls down out of my closet. If you could see my closet this was no easy task.

Three of those dolls belonged to my sister and one is mine and the other is Cassie's.

She is loving her new doll, she is carrying her around like a baby and we found some baby socks to put on her feet.

NOT back to school

School started today, well yesterday now, my days run different than most, I never go to bed the same day I wake up.

We decided to go swimming at a friend's house, they are homeschoolers.

You can see that they were having fun, why waste away in a classroom when you can live.

Blog award

Deanna gave me an award and now it's my turn to pass it on.

The rules for this award are:

The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.

1) Link to the person you received your award from.

2) Nominate at least 7 other blogs.

3) Put links to those blogs on yours.

4) Leave a message on the blogs of the people you have nominated.

Here are my nominations:

1. Jewls

2. Tina

3. Lesa

4. Heather

5. Kelli

6. JoAnn

7. Laura

I have so many blogging buddies, here's to all of you :)

Close to nature

Jason and Kieran went fishing and they saw some deer .



Here is the fawn.

Here is mom.

Kieran was only about 10 feet away right here. The deer were not afraid of them at all, they must be used to people.

Check out this baby fish that Kieran caught.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Month to month :: menstrual cycle


2. Adjusted :: well adjusted


3. Prank :: calls


4. Mop :: the floor needs to be mopped


5. Clarity :: explanation


6. Parenting :: partnership


7. Glenn :: Beck


8. Fingerprint :: clue, dna, CSI


9. Pineapple :: yuck


10. Attorney :: general

Want to play?

Luna Nina

bugging me

So Lesa is wondering why I haven't blogged :)

I have lots in my head but don't always get a chance to say it.

There is a commercial on the radio that I have heard everyday for at least a week and it is BUGGING me.

It's the total transformation, if your kid is defiant or talking back or having trouble in school or ADD or...

This program will fix your child. I was going to put in a link but I don't want to :)

You can google it.

A step by step program to change your child's behavior.

I don't know if this is legitimate, I don't know if it has merit or if it's just another thing that disrespects children.

In an odd way you would think someone like me with an intense child would be interested in this. The truth is when I hear claims like this it scares me and makes me just want to hug my child.

You see Jared has been exploding left and right lately, well he really has his whole life it's just that now he seems more intense.

Yes a 6 yr old that gets set off by something explodes, yells, kicks, throw things and uses profanity. Where did he learn it??? He has always exploded, yes we use some language around here but I have been very careful lately, he hears it from the music he likes.

He likes System of a Down and they have several songs that he likes and one of them uses the f word and I don't mean fart, man did I say that!?

You guys know that fart is a terrible word to me I don't really mind the other word that gets all of the attention :)

So what is my point???
Beats me!

I don't believe there is any program out there that is worth using to change my child. He is who he is, If you ask him he'll say that God made him that way and I believe he is right. It's my job to help him navigate his world and understand it and to get along in it. I will never try to change my child!

I know there are desperate parents out there who don't know where to turn and it saddens me that they look to "experts" to show them the way.
I feel for the parents but I really feel for the kids, I know from experience that helping an explosive child is challenging but it is worth the effort.

I remain calm now, I do not react, I let him get it out and I protect those around him and help him know that I am here and he can tell me anything.

My dear son just climbed into my lap, he really is a sweetie, the other day he called dibs on mom.

Don't know where that came from but they have been *calling dibs* on everything lately, me included :)

Writing

It's obvious that I am not a prolific writer and I don't paint beautiful pictures with words like some of my blogging friends.

I have written some good stuff but I know in my attempt to get to the point that I miss out on a lot of description. I believe that part of that is my personality, I'm not a fluffy person I'm a straight forward person.

I was thinking tonight after posting for the blog carnival that my post seems so generic. Just like when I participated in Unschooling Voices, there is a topic and a deadline. I think it brings me back to school when I had to write an essay on a specific topic with so many words by a certain date.

How weird is that?

I never liked writing in school but I don't believe it's because I can't write because I can.

So in some bizarre twist I don't do well in the written form on the spot, go figure.

I know when I get sparked by something I can write just fine. I don't type 500 words a minute like some either and I have to look at the keys. Product of public school, I took typing...

My always unschooled son can type extremely fast without looking.

Stupid hang- ups I suppose.

I love unschooling, I love watching my kids learn and grow and make connections, it's so awesome. Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride because the learning never stops. I just do what they need when they need it but they do the rest.

I wish I could put in writing what they do and all of the learning and growing and questions and answers that happen on a daily basis.

I'm not great at documentation, it's so much easier to go with the flow and not take notes.

I guess I'll work at it :)

Around here

This post is for the blog carnival over at Radical Unschoolers' Network

Just a little glimpse into what we are doing, I took a few random pictures.
Fall ball just started so we are spending time at the baseball field and the boys have been fishing, there is a creek there and they have caught several fish.

We have been playing Clue, Monopoly Jr., poker, rummy, hit the deck, Uno, drawing, playing with legos, lots of imagination play, Club Penguin, WoW, watching youtube music videos.

Cassie at the baseball field.

Brennan at first, this was just practice, games start soon.

They are always on secret missions around here.

Drawing with new markers and paper.

Creating new food combinations, Jason made this and it was so good.

Playing World of Warcraft happens everyday.

This is a lego band that Jared made, he is always creating something.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Crankiness :: normally I would say me but I'm not cranky right now


2. Backpack :: Dora


3. Clone :: Wars


4. High ground :: moral


5. Dreams :: In my dreams, Dokken song


6. Lovingly :: Jason


7. Mistake :: oops


8. Carson :: Johnny


9. Errand :: run


10. Dozen :: Cheaper by the

Jared's City

I couldn't get it all in one picture. Jared worked very hard on this yesterday, I think it's pretty cool.