Thursday, January 20, 2011

Importance of bonding

noun:
Bonding: A relationship that usually begins at the time of birth between a parent and offspring and that establishes the basis for an ongoing mutual attachment.

I believe that it is imperative to bond with our babies right from the womb and time of birth. I wonder if many people actually realize that it has a lasting impact on that persons life. Some may even think that babies don't remember, oh I believe they do. I am going to be the example here, I didn't realize the impact until a few years ago. 



I would say I was detachment parented. I was not breastfed or held all the time, I was left to cry, I never bonded with my parents. I did have a bond with my grandfather that I have held dear to me but he is gone and he didn't raise me. He did hold me on his chest, I was a colicky baby and he soothed me and loved me.
The bond with my grandfather lasted into childhood and adulthood even though we lived 3000 miles apart most of the time, it was there, it was special, it's still there and he died years ago.

My parents were teenagers and really not ready to be parents, I'm thankful that I'm here, that my mom had me. I had a rough childhood and a worse teenagehood. 

I didn't realize until a couple years ago what was happening, lots of memories coming back of things I wanted to forget. I had a few therapy sessions with a doctor and he said I need to parent myself. I need to be the mother to the little girl inside me that is screaming to be loved.

I need to take a break...tears...

My parents loved me in their own way, I suppose. Even now it comes with conditions at least from my father. My mom and I have come a long way but we are still very far. I know where she came from, I know my grandmother, so my mom was ridiculed and belittled her whole life, my grandmother just stopped bringing up every mistake my mom has made a few years ago. In that respect my mom did better than what she had...
Babies need to bond with their caretaker, they need to feel loved and secure. They need to know when they cry someone will pick them up and hold them and talk to them  and find out what they need. It is vital to healthy attachments later in life.

I have kept people at arms length my whole life. It is very hard for me to love and trust completely because I've been hurt so much for so long. I need to find a way to nurture my inner child, she is in there somewhere and once in awhile I do feel like that scared little girl hiding in the closet. She didn't last long though, she turned into a cold hearted bitch and that worked for her for several years.

Now she is vulnerable, feeling things she doesn't want to feel, real emotions that make her sad, hurt, alone, misguided, pissed off, damaged...



I am damaged goods and it sucks to say  that but I think it's true...



I just had a breakthrough in the tub that I will leave for a part 2...



One thing about having had therapy, I can also do it myself, it's not quite as effective but I learn new things and it's much cheaper.

2 comments:

Lenetté said...

oh, steph, you deserve to be loved... that little girl inside you deserves it just like you know that your own kids deserve it. i wish i knew why it is so tough to love ourselves like we love and cherish our kids.

we all have that little one inside of us... many of us have the little one who was hurt and is still hurting and lonely and scared. this is why those people, when they haven't looked at that little one and haven't taken care of that little one, those people hurt other people. this is why it's so important to extend grace, love and compassion to other people... we just don't know what their story is... and we could be the one who helps them through...

Stephanie said...

Thank you Ms.Shitzizle :)