My own worst critic

Do you have high expectations that you will probably never live up to? Well I do... I know this is a challenge that I have always had, I don't know where it came from. I'm not really a perfectionist but how I want to be and how I am are two different things. People tell me that I'm too hard on myself and they don't see the issues that I see.

For example, my parenting skills, to outsiders I'm patient and kind, my friend thinks I beat myself up too much. Last night I lost it with Cassandra, I was just plain pissed off, then I felt terrible and starting criticizing myself for getting mad. Now she had been acting this way all day with several outbursts and it was 1:45 am and I couldn't take anymore. Does that make me a terrible mother, in my eyes it does. I notice a hormonal pattern because I just realized that I'm getting irritated and going off about everything all of a sudden. Gotta love those hormones, while it's a valid reason it's still no excuse.

I hate getting mad at my child and I hate yelling but sometimes I do rant and rave...

Since my goal is mindful, respectful parenting this really ticks me off when it happens. I'm not perfect so what is wrong with making a mistake? I am aware and I try to do better in the next moment and apologize if I'm way out of line.

At least my kids and husband don't share in my *terrible mother* mode, they think I'm a great mother. It's just in my own perception, I just need to get it out of my head.

I will continue to strive to do better and be proactive not reactive but hormonal tirades just take over my good sense sometimes.

We have 2 neighbor kids that always come over and last night the boy went home to eat and his sister stayed here. When he came back and knocked on the door she opened it and said *come on in to the fun place* she is about 4 1/2 and he is 7. So I guess I need to get over myself, that's my advice...