Monday, May 04, 2009

When children explode

I'm sure every child has exploded a time or two but some kids explode from birth.

My precious little boy is the explosive type, he screamed from 1-4 am the first few weeks of his life.

You think by the time you have 4 kids you got it all down pat. Surprise! Each child is unique, while they may have similarities to your other kids they are their own person.

Jared has stretched my parenting to heights I never knew existed. He has shown me his unique perspective and caused me to become a better parent than I thought I was.

I have been consciously practicing not getting emotionally involved or affected by his outbursts.
This has happened over the course of the years he has been here.

I am doing very well separating myself, my issues, the tapes in my head that I've been fed and the things that kids *should* or *shouldn't* say or do.

I fall short once in awhile, usually if I'm tired or hormonal but overall I am able to separate my reaction from his behaviour.

I encourage you to stop the tapes in your head and just be present with your child. Look at that litttle person.

What caused the upset?

Look at how they are flailing their tiny bodies.

Listen to their crys.

Let them get it out.

Put yourself in their position.

Do not take it personally or as a reflection on you because quite frankly it has nothing to do with you.

Try really hard to relate and empathize while just being there for them in whatever capacity they need.

I have found that in Jared's case he needs to get it out and then he is calm and usually comes over and leans on me to get a hug.

We can't let ourselves get caught up in the heat of the moment and be bothered by what they are saying or by their anger.

It is so important to feel what you feel in a safe environment.

I suspect if I had been allowed I wouldn't need therapy as an adult to deal with my childhood.


Parsley said...

My child screamed for the first 3 months of her life and didn't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time.

Still has to get her way...logic be cursed.

Some are just more opinionated but those are the kids who will stand up for what they believe in as adults.

We just have to trudge on and ask for wisdom to help them through childhood.

WomanHonorThyself said...

I guess I'm more old school and was stricter..but you make some great points girl.:)

Grace Walker said...

"It is so important to feel what you feel in a safe environment."

I loved this quote! So true. Thanks again Stephanie. :o)

Donna said...

You are such a good mom Stephanie. Your kids are so lucky to have you, and I am proud to call you a friend. (And yes, I've been drinking ; ) But I am still sincere!

Stephanie said...

I honestly hope that maybe I can help someone else that has an intense child. I'm not talking about the usual *tantrum* I wouldn't even call it that.

It is serious explosion and it takes all I have and more to separate myself and help him. Only those that have a child like this can understand what I mean.
It's all worth it.

Parenting in partnership and respect works wonders for every child.

It's not easy but it's worth the effort.

Coming from a shit of a childhood makes it easier for me to strive for something better.

Cap'n Franko said...

Power to you, Stephanie. Overcoming our own old tapes is just the hardest thing in the world, ain't it? My folks were really about as good as 50's parenting could be but my schooling and cultural learning were something else again. Thanks goodness for competent psychiatrists!

Hilaree said...

Thanks, Stephanie...I needed to hear this today...sigh...