Christian or not? or what?

Some of you will know exactly what I'm talking about and some of you won't.



I'm not judging anyone for their choices or beliefs, I did enough if that when I was holier than thou.



Over the past few days I've been talking with others who are on this same path.



For the past few years I have been undoing what 10 years in the church did to me.



It wasn't all bad and I'm not badmouthing anyone in particular.



I have come full circle I guess, I have gone back to the beliefs of my youth.



I believe in God, I believe in creation, I believe in prayer and I believe that God hears me.



I don't need to go to church to believe.



Sometimes he answers too.



I always prayed when I was younger, I wasn't living in a manner that some would call a believer.



No matter where I was or what was going on I knew that God loved me and he was watching out for me.



In 1994 I was baptized and attended the Church of Christ for 10 years. I went through many changes, I also had 4 kids during that time. I learned alot about the Bible and heard many a man preach the gospel.



I became the *perfect Christian* remember when I do something I do it *right*



I also lost a little bit of myself by trying to be something I wasn't. I also looked down on the weak, judged people, I even went up against my grandpa about baptism being essential for salvation. He was the most *christian* person I have ever known and I was telling him like it was.



Anyway I have come to the conclusion that I'm really not a christian anymore. Not in some manmade idea of christianity. I don't prescribe to any religion or teachings or thou shalt nots.



I believe in relationship with God, he created me, he knows me, he loves me.



If a christian just was someone who believes in Christ that would be fine but it's turned into this whole religion and churchianity. Christians are not all nice and fuzzy, some are downright judgmental.



So I am continuing on this journey called life trusting in my creator and praying a lot.

Divine

Over the years I have prayed a lot.

My relationship with God has never changed, my beliefs and practices have.

I no longer believe in any religious doctrine nor attend any institution..

I just believe.

I have faith but it's easy to lose sight of it when you are going through tough times or when all of your kids are barfing...

Last week our weather was forcasting rain and cold weather every day of the week.

Jason had a sidejob scheduled for Friday and Saturday and he needed dry weather because he does it in our driveway.

We really needed this job and I was praying about the rain ceasing for two days so he could get it done.

I have prayed about what seems like a simple thing in the past and I know God hears me. I believe that God does listen no matter how big or small our prayers may be.

So it rained all week and there was rain in the forecast for Friday and Saturday.

I kept praying and Friday came and it was 70 degrees, no rain...

Saturday came and it was dark and gloomy all day and colder and Jason got the job done late in the afternoon.

Within 2 minutes of him pulling out of the driveway to test drive it started pouring. I mean hard rain, my kids were outside and they got drenched instantly.

I paused and thanked God because he once again showed me that he hears me and he cares and He can do anything He wants to.

Something like this just renews my faith and makes me smile and feel so thankful.

unresolved thoughts

Many times I see references from Christians about satan and spiritual warfare. I may be completely naive and uninformed in this area.

I get squirmy when I read posts that refer to satan as in *the devil is working against us* or *satan is trying to influence* heck I can't remember any specific quotes off the top of my head.
I don't think they matter anyway.

My thoughts and feelings are that I don't blame the devil for what is wrong in our lives, I don't think satan is purposefully messing with us. I guess in part because why would I give him credit or blame????

Satan can kiss my freakin ass for all I care.

I just don't get this whole thing.

If you want to enlighten me feel free, if I offended you because you believe the devil is the root of all problems, I'm sorry, not my intention.

I just don't get it.

I'm not denying that he exists, I suppose if you believe in God you must believe there is a devil, the Bible says he is real.

I believe that God exists, I have faith, I pray, so I don't want to give satan glory for things that go wrong.

Am I making any sense?

What has she been thinking about?

In case anyone wonders why I've been quiet it's because my mind is thinking and contemplating and I'm having a hard time writing it down.

Some of these thoughts are old ones resurfaced, some are new, some are raw, but I have to feel what I feel in order to figure stuff out.

A few things on my mind lately are homeschooling, unschooling, secular, Christian, what's the difference, spanking(NOT) but why do people do that, what would Jesus really do, my faith, my beliefs, my principles, this country, politics and of course the damaging effects of public school.

I'm not sure what I'll touch on in this post I guess I'll go where my mind takes me. I'll probably go take a bath and come back and finish this.

A few days ago I was really thinking about unschooling as secular or Christian because many people will use that distinction, so I was thinking about what the REAL difference is. In my mind I believe that Christians base their life on faith, well so do I, but I am not a Christian unschooler and I don't homeschool for religious reasons. I just happen to be a Christian and an unschooler it's how I live, it's not even a defined thing except online. Some people call it *secular unschooling* and *Christian unschooling* I just don't do that, unschooling is unschooling, many different people with many different beliefs unschool.

There are many more faiths and religions out there that unschool so secular or Christian doesn't begin to define it.

I'm not trying to define anything I really don't like many labels, some serve a purpose especially when we are looking for people who think like we do or at least have an idea of where we are coming from. The only problem with that is stereotypes, I hate stereotypes but when you meet people who make them true it can be frustrating. It can make you not want to associate yourself with a certain label or group because of what others believe about them whether it's true or not.

I run a yahoo group of unschooling Christians, so I know they are out there.
When I talk to people who aren't Christian and hear some experiences they have had with Christians it makes me want to scream. Spanking and control are big issues, I do not believe in spanking. As a matter of fact I firmly believe that hitting is wrong and unacceptable and nobody has the right to hit someone else.

Children are smacked everyday and some are guised under Christian parental authority, that makes me ill, it makes me not want to be lumped in with those people. I may be losing some readers here but it's how I feel it's how I have always felt.

If an adult hits an adult they can press charges but if a child is hit they have to take it...

I wasn't spanked as a child but I was beat up as a teen and mentally , emotionally and verbally abused.

I am a believer in God and Jesus, I love the Lord I pray daily I have faith and I will just live on that faith. I will not live by religious indoctrination and I will not take any man's interpretation of the Bible as gospel. God knows my heart and he loves me because he created me. I am free to be ME, Christ has set me free.

My kids are free, we live and learn without rules and punishment but with respect and faith.

Prevent abuse

I have been thinking way too much and not writing at all.

Some stereotypes and labels bother me, what bothers me is the people that make the stereotypes true.

First I'm talking about Christians who give us a bad name, you know the ones I'm talking about?

People hit their kids and the man rules over the wife and children and it's all because they are Christian. I have had to stand up lately and say hey I'm a Christian and I don't do that or believe this and it really pisses me off that non-Christians are getting the example of Christianity from people who I believe are misrepresenting Christ because the Jesus I know would not act like that and He definitely wouldn't hit a child.

My friend Deanne has posted about National Child Abuse Prevention Month and I wanted to pass it on.

Rules, punishment, Christianity, unschooling...

Obviously I don't know what to call this post, I have thoughts spurred from a recent exchange on a yahoo group. I admit to skimming and not fully reading but I pretty much do that anyway, it's how I read.

There are no rules and punishments in my house, there is not top down authoritarian parenting. We advocate respect and safety, we talk, we model, we live, one person's freedom ends where another begins, we must have respect in the house. This is something that takes time and effort from parents to model for their kids, you can't expect what you don't give. You also need to realize that it is a process just like everything else, modeling and discussing are high on the list.

I am a Christian because I believe in God, I believe that Jesus is his son who walked on this earth as a perfect man. I do not believe in churchianity, I do not believe in obedience out of fear, I do not believe in arbitrary rules and thou shalt nots and punishment. I choose to believe, I choose to have faith, I choose to be responsible because it's the right thing to do. I do not do it out of fear of eternal damnation.

I want my kids to act out of the sheer fact that it's kind and right and respectful not because they are afraid of what I will do to them if they don't, or worse what God will do.

Parenting based on fear and punishment is flawed at best and it sets up an adversarial relationship with our kids.

There is no *getting in trouble* if anyone does something *wrong* we talk about it, we work out the problem. We talk about so many things all of the time, we do not parent out of fear and we do not instill fear in our kids. I do not train my children either they are not animals they are people, I guide,model, respect, discuss, and facilitate and pray a lot. Heck even our dogs are unschooled... They are free in the boundaries of our property, they aren't beaten or punished, they are animals, how could I treat my child less...

Society is full of laws and rules, why do we need them in our homes? We sure don't, we should be free in our own homes. Naysayers might say how could someone raised without rules obey the laws of the land?

Well it is called modeling and discussing and learning about our world. My kids know about laws and rules they just don't have extra ones at home. For what it's worth sometimes laws are stupid and I do break them, am I some bad influence? NO! I am a person with a brain that does not mindlessly follow anyone. If I drive fast and get caught I pay the consequence, it's really that simple. Although ya'll know I am against speed limits and drinking ages and homeschool laws and anything that takes away civil liberty and personal freedom and responsibility for one's actions.

As unschoolers who live and learn in freedom without the confines of school we parent the same way, we live and breathe freedom. We advocate responsibility and respect for each other and for this world that God gave us.

I am WHO I AM

I am done trying to change myself. Today I was telling Jason that I'm done trying to be something I'm not. I don't know what my problem is, I have that slight perfectionist streak in me...ok it's more than slight. I am so gung ho on doing everything right, I don't want to screw up my kids or disappoint anyone. Somehow I have come to have these ideal images and expectations of myself that are really unattainable. I have no idea how I got to this point, well I have some idea when I look over my life.

Why don't I think I am good enough? Jason said he thinks I'm good enough and he has a pretty good judge of character so what does that say about his judgment? I told him he is right and I have to accept who I am and enjoy being me. Over the years I have gone through many stages of growth and development and I see that my true self has never changed. I am me, I am the person God created, I am wonderfully made, I'm done denying it, I am worthy.

So I am not hiding myself under some false pretenses or political correctness, or anything. It seems that those 10 years in the Church of Christ I really tried to change myself. I questioned many preachers, I made statements, I tried to be heard but amid all of those jumpers and uncut hair we can lose ourself. So no more of that, I am not afraid to be me, at least I don't think I am...

I can be wild, I can be freaky, I can be FUN!!!! It's time to let go of the crap that is holding me down and be true to myself. I am FREE!

Thanks for being my therapeutic sounding board :)

Enough about me...

Stress...faith...realism

Why do some of us feel stress and internalize it and get ill, or externalize it and be mean. Why do some of us just relax and let things roll off our backs?

No worries mate!
Don't worry, be happy!

I am the type of person that can worry, I try not to, I am concerned, I want to know what will happen and how it will happen and when it will happen, yeah I know that isn't possible.

I am a realist, I call it like I see it, I'm honest, forthright, I do not have my head in the clouds. At the same time I have been trying to be more positive, this is what we have and we have an abundance. I am trying not to dwell on the problems or what we don't have. I am trying to keep my chin up and be faithful. I believe that God will provide the way, he ALWAYS does, not always in my time frame, well what is in my time frame??? I want answers now, I am not the most patient person, which is funny because so many people tell me I have patience when they see me with my children. I sure don't have enough, I want it all and I want it now. Patience is not a virtue it's a pain in the ass, it is hard and long and not something I am good at.

When I ask for someone to do something, I expect them to do it now... Which is why I am a terrible delegator, I just as soon do everything myself than ask for help BUT when I ask(it means I need it) I expect it.

These are trying times, things are not hunky dory, I'm trying to be real here like my friend Julie has been lately.

Jason and I had a long talk tonight and he laid it out for me and I am taking it to heart, I have prayed a ton, I always do and God always comes through.

Anyway praying and trying not to worry are not enough for me, I can't help it, all it takes is one thing and then it's all down hill, a slippery slope. One thing leads to another and another, now I'm channeling The Fixx.

Give it to me straight, here it is, let's just say we lose everything, I mean everything, worst case scenario.

We will still have our family, we have US, who cares about the stuff, we have our family!

He is such a good man, I don't know how he puts up with me :)

Giving and receiving

They say (whoever *they* are) that it is better to give then to receive. I understand the concept but that doesn't make the one on the receiving end feel that great. We all give and we all receive one is not better then the other.

We have been in a position many times that we have been on the receiving end. I posted just a couple months ago how we just made it through a very tough time. We have been talking about being sick of being on the receiving end and hoping that soon we will have the ability to give.

Giving comes in many forms, it's not just monetary, it can be giving time or service as well. In those times that we know someone in need and aren't able to do anything physical we can always pray that God will provide someone who can help.

I have also realized that when someone gives we aren't supposed to pay them back. You know the feeling you have if someone gives you money or helps you out in some way, you want to pay them back. I think that instead we need to pay it forward, we need to help another in their time of need.

Of course we are thankful to those that help us but we shouldn't feel obligated. I believe it is best to give from the heart without ulterior motives or strings attached. God loves a cheerful giver.

It is hard not to feel like we owe them but I believe it is part of the giving and receiving process. One gives then another then another and so many people get help when needed because one person stepped out. I do believe that what comes around goes around and I believe that everything has a purpose.

The giver and receiver are both blessed and are able to keep the process going. If you look back over times of hardship or abundance I believe that you will see where the giving and receiving happened.

The Lord has layed it heavy on my heart tonight, we are blessed to give and to receive.

Unconventional Christian

So many of my thoughts and beliefs are unconventional, I've been thinking a lot about being a Christian and how much I have changed and grown and gone back to my original roots.



I have met a brand new blogger and she is new to unschooling and I am using her term so I think I'll introduce her here and maybe if more people visit her blog it will encourage her, Hilaree



Unconventional-

–adjective
not conventional; not bound by or conforming to convention, rule, or precedent; free from conventionality: an unconventional artist; an unconventional use of material.



I wish I had a tape recorder :) I have just had so many thoughts and had a long talk with Jason, I just may try to write a book someday...



I believe that faith is personal between me and God, not some rule oriented lifestyle that man has mandated to be God's word. I do not believe in institutionalized religion anymore than institutionalized schooling. Our faith is not something to be judged or ridiculed or ruled, it is to be lived.

I believe that I was a Christian since I was 12, my mom prayed with me and I accepted Christ. I had a very rough childhood and I did things that weren't very good but I always prayed and I believe that God was with me and watching over me.

I never thought that you had to go to church to be a Christian, I believed that God was everywhere and we could pray and worship at any time not just at 10 am on Sunday.

I went to many different churches and didn't really believe any of their doctrines. We didn't go for many years but I always had faith and prayed and believed I was a Christian.

Then we joined the Church of Christ and got baptized and lots of things changed. Things I believed to be true I was told were not, we studied the Bible weekly and learned a lot. I also became *holier than thou* and started telling others what I had learned and challenged their convictions. I judged people by so many measures I can't count, I didn't realize I was doing that at the time though. As time went on and I changed and had all my kids and I really started reflecting on these *truths* I realized that I didn't really believe in all of these should's and should not's.

After careful prayer and lots of time to make sure it was right we left the church. I have been growing with God and keeping my faith but I do not need an institution and I do not need any man made religion all I need is the Lord.

Faith

Some of you who don't share my faith are probablythinking man she is talking about God a lot lately... and those of you who do share my faith are probably thinking it's about time she talked about God. LOL!

I believe that my faith and belief in God are a personal matter between him and me, I believed this for my whole childhood and then I was part of *the church* for 10 years and it wasn't the same. I left the church but I have come closer to God, some of you know what I mean, anyone here who is thinking these things can check out the Unschooling God Journey link on my page.
This post isn't about church I haven't really shared that journey yet.

This post is about faith and how strong mine is and how God has seen my family through some very tough times, especially the last few months. It is hard for a control freak like me to give things to God, I know that I really can't control much of anything and that is hard to swallow.
I need to know what will happen and when it will happen and how it will happen... of course I'm not privy to this information, who is?

A few of those who read this know that my husband was between jobs and that things were getting pretty tight. It went far beyond tight, it got to the point where I told my dh that we are literally at God's mercy and anyone who is willing to help us. Of course only a couple people actually knew what was really going on but that was enough, God knew, he provided even in our most desperate time.

My faith has gotten stronger, I kept as positive as I could, I believed that God would see us through and take care of us because he always did... But the day to day struggle was real, it was difficult, I did my best to stay positive and keep the faith alive. My kids only know a portion of the realities because some things were obvious but others we didn't want to worry them with.

We have lived without many things that we were used to having and living with things that were broken and we couldn't fix. None of those things really matter because we will get them back and we will fix what is broken. The most important thing to me is that my kids are healthy and taken care of. We have been very blessed, our kids are healthy and all the stuff in the world can't compare to that.